Another trip to the VA for Chuck’s paracentesis. For anyone reading this for the first time, a quick description….Paracentesis is a medical procedure involving needle drainage of fluid from a body cavity,[1] most commonly the peritoneal cavity in the abdomen. Here is a short video that will show you exactly what Chuck endures to get relieved of the built up pounds of acidic fluid in his abdominal cavity.
Here is the result of today’s visit….
Once again…it was Chuck who wanted to do the video below and keep everyone updated.
We had a nice, easy day…no major upheavals…no arguments, thank GOD!! And we even had a few laughs with the chick in the pics below!
Yesterday, Wednesday the 18th, was another one of those days. Chuck was irritable and agitated to say the very least. He had been filling up steadily since the last paracentesis which was on the 9th. The past week and a half (since that date) found him resting as much as possible with very little activity compared to what he had been doing in the weeks and months before, yet the liquid came just as fast as when he had ‘worn himself out’. This was a huge disappointment as we were expecting a little more advantage because he was so careful to rest much more. The situation caused a few stressful moments because facing the reality of it all is never easy. I have been working hard on not hiding my head in the sand, so to speak. Chuck is usually the realist in most matters. It never dawned on me that he may be struggling with the truth of it all.
After yesterday’s blow ups, I reluctantly rose this morning, not knowing what to expect. He seemed to be a lot more peaceful and was not in the pain he was feeling the night before. We were able to quietly communicate with one another and talk about our feelings and the reality of what was happening. I told him about my fears of deceiving myself and not facing the truth. I told him that I was not going to allow myself to slip into the fantasy role of not facing the truth of what was right in front of me. I could see he was allowing the facts to sink in. I could see he struggled in hearing what I was saying. He gently agreed and shed tears of acceptance. It was beyond touching. I went out for a very long run/walk in the fields and a time of prayer and reflection.
It has been Chuck’s idea and his desire to make an update for everyone. I kind of ignored it at first, not sure if he meant it, but he persisted today and this is what he came up with. At this point, I could not get hold of the VA offices today, so will try again in the a m and try to get him in tomorrow or Monday for another paracentesis. He is very uncomfortable, he coughs a lot and above all, he is irritable. Thank you all so much for your continued love and care and support.
Monday the 9th, we went to the VA for yet another round of paracentesis. As we were leaving the house, Chuck had asked me if I had the camera. I told him no, I was not bringing it because he had forbidden me to broadcast his personal situation on the internet….*remember?* So I did not see any need for making a video or taking a photo. He kind of looked at me a little funny and pretty much shrugged it off, so I have yet to ask him just what that means…..anyway.
They did take 11 liters of fluid off and of course, he felt a lot better immediately. He resolved to come home and NOT over do it. He wanted to just relax and allow the diuretic to continue to flush the fluid from his legs. The next day, Tuesday, he was rather cheerful and doing well, but on Wednesday, he seemed rather irritable and today has found him to be kind of fragile and agitated off and on. I think he has had a lot of emotional struggles today but our communication has not been that great what with me getting ready for the winter weather and him sleeping quite a bit.
At this point I will stop until I get the clearing from him as to just how much I am allowed to share where he is concerned. I wanted to say something as it has been nine days since my last post and many of you have wondered how things are. I really appreciate all the love and prayers and concerns and I ask that you keep praying for God’s grace to carry us through each day. Thank you so much.
Yesterday, Monday the 2nd…I awoke to Chuck busily working over the kitchen stove. You know how it is. You have just woken up, not kick started yet and someone else has been up for hours and they are in full speed and raring to go. Clash. I am usually the first one up…always have been, but life is oh so different now. Many nights, he is up all night long. Whether it is cramping in his legs, coughing or whatever, he keeps himself busy by chopping vegetables, preparing soup broths, brewing tea, stoking the fire….anything to pass the night. I just want to scream at him to go to sleep….but it’s just not that easy.
He was engaged in all of this manner of activity and kept waking me up. Each time I was roused, I would use the bathroom, then try to go back to sleep. By the time I got up in the morning…yeah…I was cranky. I barely could begin my morning routine and he was in my space and my area, just annoying me. Of course…he did not see it that way. He saw that I was ‘miserable’ and that I wanted to ‘make him miserable too’. And so it goes….
I realized early on that morning that I needed a good long run in the woods. It was cold, but that would not stop me. Off I went. I even added an extra turn down a road that would take me out into the fields where I could lose myself in the surrounding countryside and forget about the bad start to the morning.
My MP3 player filled my ears with the soothing sounds of quiet and meditative instrumental music. Once I got into the huge field that would lead me on into the woods, I began to lift up my eyes and look around me. The sky was magnificent. It was grey and cloudy with large billowing clouds that had just enough breaks throughout to allow the intense light of the sunbeams to rush through, flooding my world with beauty and wonder. The contrast of the light sprinkled through the dark clouds was breath-taking.
I started thinking about the areas in my own self that needed more of me giving and being unselfish. I begged the Lord to help with this. Just as I began to doubt my abilities, to doubt the grace of God, I found myself (as I entered the Wilderness Camp kitchen area) staring at a plaque mounted high above my head, in huge letters, “Faith as a mustard seed” Matthew 17. It really touched my heart. I had never even noticed that plaque up there, as many times as I had been in that area, but today it was living and large and I broke down in tears.
I continued my walking and felt the need to get some grounding, but it was far too cold to remove my shoes, so I took off my gloves and wrapped my hands around a huge tree and tried to absorb its strong and steadfast energy. It was very healing, for the moment, indeed. I was starting to feel stronger, communing with God as I made my way across the small creek and on up the gravel hill path. This is a very steep incline and memories of me and my daughter walking here after the death of her daughter always put me in a certain state of emotion. A state of acknowledging pain and sorrow. It is THE best place for me to really connect with the emotions of working through pain, suffering and grief.
Once I get to the top and back onto level ground, there is always a sense of accomplishment and victory as the hard hill is behind and the way ahead is easier. I continued to breathe deep and take in all the sights of the woods while the mysterious and calming sounds of the music were cajoling me to relax and let go of every ounce of stress and worry. I was feeling so much better.
A bit more running and the stress just falls away…
Another stop to lay down on the grassy bank and let the moment engulf me in quiet solitude…
One more small hill and I am on my way home…no more obstacles. One last look back at the sun behind me….so reluctant to leave this special place and time. I stood still, facing the sun, only to find it obscured with many thick billowing clouds. But there were three small openings allowing the glorious colorful beams to spill onto the landscape below. I stood mesmerized by the scene before me. I thought of the significance of the clouds, the movement they made, their efforts to block the sun and the steadfast role of the great light behind them.
I watched as the wind pushed the clouds together and the small outlets of light disappeared one after another until I could no longer see the sun or its beams. I felt a very strong urging from the entire scenario that this was my present circumstance. A thickly clouded sky that is squeezing out even the slightest beams of light. I stood there and prayed. “I accept this trial, Lord…I will not fight it. I accept these circumstances.”
Reluctantly, I turned and went home to face what would be the very worst day that has been played out since this whole nightmare began back on September the 2nd. The following video gives a short summary of what is going on in as much detail as I am now allowed to share.
Thank you all for your love and support and encouraging words.
The other day, we went to Lexington and stopped into the Asian market known as Yu yu. Chuck is now into noodles. He likes to add them to his homemade soups, but he wants to avoid the eggs and salt found in conventional noodles, so he has found all manner of treasures in the noodle aisle at Yu yu’s. Long ones, short ones, wide ones, flat ones, narrow noodles….you name it, they have it. He was in noodle heaven. I, on the other hand, was bored to tears.
I wandered to the back of the huge market, which stunk horribly of fish and dead meats, (gross) and found items to admire of a non-food type. Chopsticks, rice bowls, bamboo goods, cook ware, china and various kitchen utensils. Seeing I was in a generous and loving mood towards hubby, I began to think of gifting him with a special tea cup. He drinks a lot of herbal teas and he always fusses at us to be sure and cover his mug with a plate while it steeps so it will stay hot and steep properly.
Well….wouldn’t you know how surprised I was to come across this beautiful cup with a removable straining basket and a lid! There were several different designs and colors, but this one really caught my eye because of the beautiful shade of green and the pretty girl in her cultural garb.
Ok….so really…a blog post about a tea cup? Well…it was so pretty…I had to have Noêl photograph it for me and that’s why I figured I would use it in a post. Maybe I should tell you about how I actually gave it to Chuck? Now there’s an interesting story that will make a good read….Ha.
After all the time and trouble I went to hiding this purchase in my purse and to sneak it out to the car when he was not watching, I was filled with excitement and became ever so distracted on the drive home of how I would put the cup (with some nice hot tea in it) on a plate and serve it to him with a cute little heart or something corny like that. I could not wait to get home and surprise him!
I KNEW he was going to love it. I was so happy and visualizing it all in my head. We are riding down the parkway and all this is happening as he is talking and I am really not paying attention because I am so looking forward to giving him this cup. He says something to me that was….or at least I took it as….an insult.
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH.
My perfect little happy, lovey-dovey scenario comes to a grinding halt. “What?”
WHAT? did you say?????
You can imagine how shocking it was to have all my day dreams shattered, as I am lovingly thinking of him, only to hear him insulting me. To make a very long story short….lucky you….we argued (I fought) all the way home. I was so pissed. After I said all I could muster up to try and hurt him back….I thought about the pretty tea cup hiding in my purse. I thought about smashing it….I was that angry. I thought about throwing it into his lap right then and there. Then I actually thought of the RIGHT thing to do and just forget about the cup until tomorrow and give it to him when I was not angry and all this had passed. I was mad. Mad that my plan was interrupted, my vision was spoiled and I had anger and guilt on top of it all.
Now you may say, well…he should not have insulted you. Well…I have to agree there, but maybe I just took it the wrong way as is often the case. Maybe he didn’t really mean what he said. Maybe it was trivial enough for me to just let it go….there are many pieces to the picture that could figure in. BUT….bottom line….what do I do with my original plan to gift him with this pretty cup????
I decided to just go ahead and give him the cup as planned, even though all the fun was taken out of it for me. I wanted him to have the cup, enjoy the cup and use the cup. Now. And so…I pulled it out of my purse and handed it to him. I told him it was a special cup just for him and that I wanted to give it to him tonight with tea in it and a little note or something, but in light of the way I am feeling now…here is the cup…take it. Well…..he absolutely loved the cup!! He was touched and very happy to have it. I was glad I gave it to him…but it was nothing like what I had planned.
YET
I surprised him-
He now had the cup-
He loves the cup-
The only thing missing was all of MY plans on just HOW the cup was presented and how that would make ME feel.
Isn’t that how things often happen in life? We make all these plans and have these little scenarios in our minds of how when and where and so many times, it just does not work out that way. The happy feeling we seek or the good smooth way we want it to all unfold…it often gets shattered and we are left broken and shattered and often times down right angry.
This little incident was just one more small disappointment in a long line of many. I wish I had handled it all very differently. But I see that if I allow myself to focus on the most important thing and the end result….if I will just step out of the picture and take my personal feelings out of it….I can realize that the main goal was accomplished even though I had to make a sacrifice I was not prepared to make. Hey….I am not so unwilling to step aside and give the other person the spotlight. We can all do that if we want to. I think the trouble comes when we are blind-sided and least expecting it…that is when it hits us. If we could just hold on to our tongues, our tempers, our opinions in a given situation until the whole picture is revealed, we may just avoid some unwanted or even regrettable actions.
Although he has the cup and all is well….in my patience, I could have treated myself to that good lovey-dovey feeling had I waited to the next day when the storm had passed. Live and learn.
When I woke up this morning, I felt well rested. I knew that Chuck had not slept very well through the night, so he would be tired and in need of resting and just being still. He was stoking the fire when I came into the living room. He made it known to me that he was not feeling up to par. I expected that because the day before, he had done way too much. I went about my morning routine while he got back in the chair to fall back to sleep. It was not long before he drifted off and I did my very best to keep the awakening children as quiet as possible as they began to get their cups of tea and what not. I pondered the day ahead and felt a good run and some time alone in the woods would be very beneficial.
The above picture is always one that evokes an array of mixed emotions. The chair itself was a gift and is one of the greatest blessings to Chuck at this point in his illness. The beautiful comforter that he sleeps beneath was also a gift from a very dear and long-standing friend. I know he sleeps peacefully and as comfortable as possible by a warm fire. He has his table with all his immediate needs sitting on it. Those are all the good things.
But it is also a sight that reminds me how this illness has come between us as man and wife. It screams to me that we are separated physically and that things are not normal…..normal, as they had been for twenty-nine years. Every morning, when I rise….this is staring me in the face and I must deal with it.
So off to the woods I go with my book, Final Gifts, in hand.
I found the sunny morning and the moderate temperature very inviting as I began my trek to the trails. Running came easy and the physical action was already working out some pent-up stress from the day before. I took a path I had not taken before and, although the ground was a wee wetter than I would have liked, I found myself in a brand new place I had never seen before. A beautiful field that opened up in all directions and a nice big log to sit on to soak up some sun and have a time of reading.
The very first paragraph I read, (now this will not be a direct quote because I don’t have the book here next to me, but it will be close enough in my paraphrase) said something to the effect of, “People who are dying and their family and friends close to them, are constantly going through the stages of dying…also referred to as the stages of grief or loss. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. People who are facing death and their family members are always in and out of these stages over and again and in no particular order.”
This really jumped off the page for me as I got an immediate witness to the truth of it. We have been living this for some time now. The chapter went on to speak of an example case where the dying woman was surrounded by her husband and three adult children and the writer depicts some of the attitude and emotions they all had at one time, only to do complete role reversals in the very next month….and so it went.
I finished my reading and had a good emotional exchange with my Creator as I made my way back to the house. The return run was very good as well, and I felt a lot of calm and peace and lack of anxiety. Well….I was going to need it for the next episode at the house. I am not even sure what happened or how it started, but we were all in the living room and the girls were folding some laundry, Naaman was hooking up a VHS player and something came up about a disagreement from the night before between the girls. Chuck said something ugly and I got angry and then before you know it, we were all screaming. It was terrible. Naaman got so upset with it all… he went out to smoke. I said, once again, some of the most hateful things you can imagine to a man who is dying. Of course the girls were all upset too.
After a few minutes, I went out to hang up the load of laundry I had just washed in the machine outside. Naaman was there and I told him….”This goes on every day.” I’m not sure if he was surprised or not, but he immediately moved into the role of not only trying to encourage me but offering practical and helpful solutions, to which I simply said…”Then will you PLEASE speak to your sisters about it?”
He did. He called them all out and ever so wisely and kindly laid out a plan that they could follow and easily understand. He spoke from experience as he grew up with the same father and two siblings not all that long ago. He stressed how he understood all sides of the situation and continued to offer advice that could be followed. I didn’t get to hear everything he said because I finished my task and went back in the house. He remained out there with the girls for a good while and of course my heart was so touched that I was getting some much-needed help in an area that I was more than depleted in.
I came in and helped Chuck with some fire wood and demanded he get back in his chair…he had pledged to stay in it and rest for the whole day. The minute you turn your back, he is up and out of the chair, wearing himself out!
Naaman came in and gave us a talking to as well. He pointed out that I am the emotional one and dad is the hard one. He spoke about patience and saying what needs to be said in a right way at the right time. As all this was going on, I was still pretty emotional, but now I had even more reason to be. It was more than overwhelming to go through it all, but to have your son take on such a role and the depth of caring and concern he was showing was literally breaking my heart.
So what is your point, Heather??? Well…first of all…I gotta get this stuff out. It helps me to get closure when I talk about it, so thanks for acknowledging my circumstances and for reading the posts in this blog. It helps me a lot. I think the point here is just relaying the emotional roller coaster that we are riding as a family. I am constantly caught between having enough faith to believe for the best and accepting reality. I see my husband withering away right before my eyes. He gets thinner and thinner and his hands shake a little at times and he shuffles, and his speech is slower and his mind is definitely slower in many ways. It is freaking me out to see the once strong and virile man that I have always known turning into this old sick person in just months. This is the reality of it. I listen to him cough at night. I hear him up at night and doing odd things at odd hours. It is so far from what I have known for so many years. It is HARD to adjust to such dramatic changes. Just about the time I get used to something…along comes another change. And I cannot even begin to discuss the war I have alone with my self before I fight with everyone else.
THEN
After all of that….
I get hit with him saying things like…”Everything is fine. I’m not going anywhere. You have no faith!”
Ok….yeah. So…emotional roller coaster it is and it will be. Just. Trying. To. Cope.
I have so many mixed emotions lately. It has been a difficult week, but you all make it a little bit easier. Thanks for listening, for loving and praying, for encouraging me. I need everyone of you at this difficult time in my life. ♥
I really want to update this blog. There is so much on my heart and mind. So many things happen on a daily basis that they have begun to stack up and accumulate beyond what even I could have imagined. One day its rejoicing and being thankful for every little gift, then the next day it is fighting and warring to keep my head above water.
The changes that Chuck is going through are going way too fast for me and the end result…as has been his whole life…overkill. Only my adult children will understand what that means. I realize that my greatest struggle is within as I fight to keep up and understand and ACCEPT….but it is not going very well…at least for today.
My biggest battle is to not slip into self-pity. I am not even the one who is dying here….or am I? There is a death of sorts taking place in me. In fact…deaths of many sorts on several levels every day. Funny…I am just now realizing this as I type. This is my daily struggle. I hate it..I despise it. It’s a battle each day to keep the focus on the one with the ailment. He needs my love and my support and all my encouragement. But the cost is so much greater than I had anticipated. You talk about for better or for worse? That’s putting it mildly.
I’m not going to go into any detail about the absolute specifics of what goes on but they are very real, very constant and very heart wrenching at the time they erupt. I have grown to dread them and hate them…yet doing that only makes it that much harder to deal with and get through. So I end up in a war with myself. Pretty stupid if you ask me, but normal, I know.
I just want my husband back. I don’t like this old, sick, annoying person who has invaded our lives. I’m sick of the wheezing, the shuffling, the meticulous ‘it has to be this way’ BS that is driving me INSANE. Driving me to say the most hateful things one could imagine. And all the while my precious, angelic children looking on and seeing this exchange. It’s ripping my heart out. It’s RIPPING my F*CKING heart out.
Guess I’ll just keep battling with this monster who has taken over my body and try to come out smiling every day so people can still think I am wonderful. What a joke.
The above photo shows the end result of our visit to the VA. This is what accumulated in just three short weeks and this is what makes a man angry, irritable and confused. This acidic fluid is what leaches out of a faulty liver that cannot keep up with the body’s demands to eliminate toxins and process wastes.
The video below gives a few more details of our day today…..
Thank you all again, so very much, for your love and support. ♥
Many of you know of the struggles I have been enduring in dealing with my husband being ill. There are good days and there are bad days, to say the least. Many of you also know that I have turned to running, not only for my own health benefits, but more lately here to relieve stress…and….oh how well it works to do just that. BUT….how the heck can one relieve stress when you are stressed out about the very thing you are doing? Does not work very well…I’m here to tell you.
When I first got started running, I took a lot of advice from many different people and places. Naturally, as a newbie, I wanted to glean a little bit from every credible source. Let me just say…EVERY piece of good advice has its place and I have found it all very helpful. But the battle for the perfect run is not in the physical doing of it as much as it is in your own mind. It is a way of thinking and a thought process that only you can develop, custom tailored to fit you and who you are. I say this for the obvious reason that my epiphany may not work for you…then again…maybe it will.
The struggles and trials of life are something we carry on our shoulders as we begin the run. As we warm up, stretch out and begin finding the groove of that particular run we are engaged in presently, we become the person we were meant to be on this particular day. It. Is. Amazing. I never realized it until this morning, as I struggled in spirit and mind, with all of my emotions and my inner most being…out it all came in the run.
I was determined to run, no matter how bad I felt or how much I struggled. Thoughts of just the right feel in my feet, the right breathing pattern, the amount of aching in the legs…these are always clouding my ability to just enjoy the run and listen to my body. Today was a totally different story. There was something in my will that said, “I’m ready to do whatever it takes to just enjoy this run.”
I decided first of all to stop if I felt spent. If my feet were hot, I would take the time to cool them. If I was too winded, I would simply catch my breath. If I felt frustrated, I would breathe deep, stretch and re-focus. Every time I started running again, I visualized a clean slate and the start of a brand new run. Of course, each start found me more warmed up and more limber than the session before and you can guess what happened as the run progressed. Yes…it just got better and better. I felt more and more free, lighter and stronger and…more aware. Wow. It was awesome.
So what kept me from doing this in the past? I have been running since July! Why could I not get to this point before? My mind. I had it in my mind that the expectations I went out with, if they were not fulfilled, the run was no good. What a foolish way to think. Many people have told me to just enjoy the run, just listen to your body and do what feels right. And I have even tried to do that before. But somehow, it did not come together until this morning. The fact that I had been struggling the night before with thoughts and emotions about my present circumstances had a lot to do with my willingness this morning. Maybe I was just tired of fighting with my own self. Maybe I was tired of disappointing myself. Maybe I finally just let go of some things I was hanging onto. Probably a lot of all of these. Anyway…
A Facebook friend I recently became acquainted with had made a comment about being able to live in the present to get through the rough times. I never really felt like I understood that concept. I mean I did, sort of in my own way…but not fully. On my run this morning, I am more certain than ever that living in the present means to just take what you have in your hands, right now, and do the very best you can with it. Be thankful for it. Let it help you. Let it teach you. Let it guide you if it can.
I will strive to apply this in my situation with my dear husband and whatever the future may hold for me, for him and for my children. But as far as the running goes…. I am psyched. I feel as though I have a new secret weapon. No matter how I feel…good or bad….I have the ability to live in the present and make it work for me. Barriers of expectations will only set me up for disappointment. I am just going to take what I get. If I get hot feet, I will stop and air them and even massage them. If I get winded, I will stop and breathe. If I feel tight or cramped, I will stretch and clear my mind. Every time I take off running again, it will be like breaking through a wall of defeat and moving forward to the next present moment.
I don’t want to let my mind keep me from living in the present moment at any time in my life. I know it is a learning and growing experience and as that awareness grows, I will become the person I am meant to be. I believe I can be a runner. Especially now that I have the secret weapon!!
This afternoon at the doctor’s office, Chuck weighed in 10 pounds lighter than the last visit. It is hard to judge his actual weight because he still carries quite a bit of fluid, but the improvement over the last 30 days has been quite remarkable. In fact, the doctor was near to astonished when he saw Chuck walking into the office rather than being wheeled in a chair. He was very happy to see him looking so much better than the last time.
We explained that all we were doing was being very careful to follow a strict diet of mostly vegetables and limited amounts of cooked protein. He continued to take extra doses of vitamin C and phosphorus supplements along with a daily dose of green juice (dandelion and beet greens). Dr. Witta was at a loss for words. I asked him what was happening…was Chuck’s body just adjusting to the illness and learning how to deal with this? Why was he doing so well at this point? He shrugged his shoulders and pointed upward with his index finger. He actually gave the credit to God for him doing so well because, technically, he should be getting worse and worse.
He reminded us that there was still a mass on his liver and that it would grow. He said that when he began to feel bad or accumulate fluid or manifest any deterioration, then that would be a sign of the mass growing. Of course, this is what the doctor says. What actually happens still remains to be seen. For those of you who may not know, Chuck had decided not to have the MRI and the doctor was fine with that. So for now…he is reading the progress from the numbers in the blood work and at this point, he is stable and holding his own.
The doctor also acknowledged that the patient’s good attitude and the loving care and attention he receives at home had a lot to do with his progress. Chuck and I would like to credit God almighty for simply keeping him well and helping him to get better. We do notice that if his diet is not strictly followed, he feels a lot worse. The food has so much to do with it.
He had more blood drawn today and they are supposed to call us with the results of this lab work. In the meantime, I just thank everyone for their kind thoughts and prayers for us because we certainly do need them. It is hard to remember how sick he is when he is feeling so much better and getting around so much more. I have to remind myself that he is still in stage three liver failure, but it sure doesn’t seem like it right now.
Thank you all so much for your love and support and I will certainly keep you all posted of any developments. I especially thank those who are financially supporting us as the good old USA will not give up any money to us until April of 2012!
I have always been one to thrive on structure and discipline. Without it, I am lost and agitated, to say the very least. Structure in my daily living schedule is imperative if I am going to feel productive and yes, (that horrible word) successful. Personal disciplines play a key role in getting things done and accomplishing the schedule that is laid out before me.
Does it sound like my life is perfectly ordered? Don’t worry…it is NOT. Does it sound like I am meticulous about certain things? I am far from meticulous….I am NOT into perfectionism, by any means. So what am I saying? I am not a fanatic about structure and discipline, but I allow it to be my friend and my helper.
It was not that long ago that physical daily disciplines were non-existent in my daily routine. I had allowed myself to slip into a deep regression of necessary daily exercises that I had been accustomed to performing. From the time I had begun to have children, there was always daily exercise in my life. My first-born was so full of life and energy, he literally forced me to be constantly moving, every day. From me pulling him on wagon rides, to roller skating behind the stroller to spending hours at the beach with him. When we were at home, it was riding our bicycles and running up and down the sparsely populated road we lived on out in the sticks of a once rural Port Saint Lucie, Florida. By the time I was pregnant with my third child, I was taking regular 5 mile walks and once he was born, the walking turned to runs.
Over the next decade and a half, my daily regular exercise languished as I gave birth to 5 more children, but we were always doing some kind of physical work or embarking on an adventure across new lands in various places. Having a family that large means constant work and unceasing activity, (especially with our ultra-basic lifestyle, devoid of modern luxuries such as a washer/dryer and central heating). But without a planned, daily vigorous walk or run, it was easy to pack on the pounds with all the cooking I did and I won’t even mention the often poor choice of healthy foods. So…you get the picture.
Last Winter, just before we hit the months of March and April, I had come to the end of my rope concerning the lack of physical exercise in my life and the lack of discipline in my eating habits. What made it even more of a major issue was that now my husband had a health issue and I was the one preparing his food. What was I going to do about it? What was I going to do about my expanding waistline? Should I just ignore it and keep on eating my standard American diet and neglect daily exercise? Should I just keep serving Chuck the foods that were contributing to his poor health? Where would I find the determination to make such drastic changes as dropping all meat and dairy from our eating and going on a nearly 100% raw food diet?
Along with loathing my appearance in the mirror, (yeah, we have to get to that point) and cultivating a deep desire to improve it, I simply began to educate myself. Education… Ok…this may have been easier for me because I am a teacher but most of my motivation came from the desire to improve my quality of living, it was NOT my love of education that got me reading up on good health. This, coupled with my need for structure and discipline, I saw these changes as a rewarding adventure that would help get me out of a slump that was less than accommodating or comfortable.
Of course it was not easy to get started at first. That’s where the real determination comes in….at the start. But once I got going, it literally became effortless. As a lover of structure and discipline, I realized early on that this was all right up my alley. Getting results just spurred me on to work all the harder. Even now, I am kind of in a bit of a lull as far as the weight loss goes, but the bigger picture is that this is not primarily about weight loss but about good health for LIFE. The weight loss is just an added benefit. My real goal is to eat right and exercise faithfully for the rest of my days in this lifetime for optimal health.
OK….so, HEATHER…the point of this post is???????????????????
Get your goal right out in front of you and make it happen for yourself no matter what it takes.
“Well I am not one to thrive on discipline or structure…in fact…I can’t stand it.”
In answer to that, I’d say you won’t go very far then…or be very healthy, either. Maybe you don’t care and that’s fine. Because I am just going to continue using this new-found motivation to get me down the road of health and happiness. Life is filled with enough stress and heartache and I need to be strong if I intend to stand. AND…. I DO intend to stand….til the very end.
Many of you know that I took up running as a part of my healthy new lifestyle. Along with eating a diet of almost 100% raw fruits and vegetables, I decided to exercise daily on more of an athletic scale rather than just recreational exercising. I chose cycling and running as my main avenues of movement for several reasons. Cycling is fun and I can get to places I need to be, transportation-wise. Running, on the other hand, is more of a personal challenge.
How many times over the years have you seen a ‘runner’ out and about and thought to yourself…’wow…I wish I could do that…’ Well, that was me…every time I saw someone running. I would admire them from afar and think about how easy they made it look. Of course, once I actually started running, I learned just how ‘easy’ it really was!! But it’s a great time for me to be running now because the stress in my life is just enough to really motivate me to get out and run, run, run!
It all changed for me when Noêl decided to buy herself an MP3 player. I had never run with music in my ears simply because I am not a music lover. I have never been one to listen to music on a regular basis. I knew that having music would be a good motivator and a distraction and help me to push myself to greater endurance. The only problem was my feet. My feet have always been an issue. I am hard to fit and I have wide feet with bunions. If I wear a shoe for too long, my feet get hot and feel cramped and tired. This was an obstacle in my quest to run greater distances. I longed to increase my distance but my feet screamed, NO! So I thought I might try something drastic. What if I just run in my Crocs? I mean they are super comfortable and big enough to where I don’t even feel like I am wearing a shoe. What the heck…I gave it a shot.
The first run in the Crocs (combined with the beat of the music) sent me into a whole nother world. (yes, I meant to say nother… ) I was ready to fly. After about 3 runs using Noêl’s tunes, I got my own player and my own selection of what I needed to hear to be motivated and inspired. I was feeling renewed in so many ways. I could sense the need to challenge myself with something grand.
Harley Johnstone said (in one of his videos) that if you can get your running time on your 10K down under an hour, then you won’t have any fat issues. From the time I first heard that, it resonated in my brain…”no fat issues.” Is there really such a thing? Well…I would need to start by actually running a 10K, but that seemed a LONG way off. I was challenged over this past summer to run 4 miles in 40 minutes and I could not do it. It really discouraged me, but I had not taken into account that I just wasn’t ready for it and that my feet could not do it in that heat in a closed shoe. Now…all these weeks later, I believe I am more than ready with the right equipment and the training under my belt.
Water was also an issue. I was thinking I needed one of those fancy camel back water packs with the straw coming to your mouth and I just did not have one. Then I saw a video the other day of one of the greatest runners I know and he was simply holding a water bottle in his hand as he ran!! I was like…Ok…that’s pretty simple.
Another thing I had to get out of my mind was that it didn’t count if I stopped running during the course. How silly is that? So what if I stopped? To take a drink, to rest for a minute, to walk out a cramp. All I had to do was just start running again when I felt ready to. So simple. My mind was free. Just run. Stop if you have to. Walk. Run when you can. Eventually, you will get to the end because…you have to get home.
Well, I psyched myself out by watching two videos that were so inspirational. I am going to post them here so you can see, if you want to, just how inspired I was.
The above video shows Michael Arnstein simply carrying his water bottle. Love it!!
This next video spoke to me personally. Find your path, no matter what it is or where, and just run.
So I thought of my path, my 6.4 mile loop that just happened to be the perfect 10K distance. I have ridden it hundreds of time on my bicycle. All I had to do was just leave the bike behind. On my way to making this loop, the first 2 and a half miles bring me to the end of my 3 and a half mile road. I tried to run this one time before and it took me an hour! I started thinking of time…oh LORD. It might take me three hours to complete this loop. Well…. SO WHAT. What if it DOES take me three hours??? At least I will have done my first 10K. Now I had even more freedom from my mind.
I hit the road this morning with a determination I had never felt before. Comfy Crocs with socks, uplifting tunes and water bottle in HAND. I was off. I figured if I stopped to walk, I would just keep it as brisk as possible. The first stop was to shed my shirt (I had a tank underneath) and my next stop, at about 2 miles, was to have a sip of water and catch some breath. It was a very brief stop. But what renewed me each time after I stopped, was not being encumbered with the belief that I SHOULD not stop. It was so liberating. By the time I got to the end of White Hall Rd and turned on to 433 to begin the third mile, I was so happy and excited, I ran like the wind! I kept telling myself to slow down, but it was just so wonderful…I was flying! I went on like that for quite a while, knowing it would help make up some of my time when I had to do a lot of walking at the end up the big hill.
So…to make a long story short, by the time I finally got home, my toes were burning just a little bit and my legs were tired, but I was so excited I had accomplished my task, I hardly noticed. The big thing was my time. How long did it take? It felt like 2 hours. I was betting at least 2 hours. To my amazement, it was only an hour and a half. I could not believe it. With all the walking I had done, I reasoned with myself, if I had actually run that part, I might have gotten closer to an actual hour. Either way, I did it. I ran my first 10K. I was over the moon. Just an ordinary house wife, 47 years old, a body that has birthed 8 children, I was always overweight my entire life….here I am acting like an ATHLETE!!!
Let me share one more video that motivated me this morning and it may motivate you too. Think you can’t run?? Watch this and think again.
